With the publication of his report years overdue, Sir John Chilcot continues to refuse to die so it can be axed as a gesture of respect.
‘We’ve been feeding him all sorts of nasty poisonous things and he just hangs around, nothing seems to touch him,’ said MI5 officer Mark James. ‘We’ve even tried greasing the steps to his house and he always stays upright, it’s most frustrating. He’s got plenty of spare time so we keep sending him copies of Dr David Kelly’s inquest results to try and drop a few hints, but he just doesn’t listen.’
‘If you ask me he looks like the sort of guy who would jump a barrier at an underground station or maybe even try to sell newspapers in London. He’s got it coming to him,’ added James.