Officers tasked with investigating 73-year-old pop icon Sir Cliff Richard have removed several ‘inappropriate images’ during a house raid in Berkshire on Thursday, Thames Valley Police have revealed. It’s been reported that over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as ‘Category A’ and ‘totally gross’.
‘Vulnerable and unloved middle-aged housewives up and down the country would not have stood a chance, had these images got out there’, stressed attending officer PC Briggs, who assisted the Thames Valley force. He continued: ‘It looks as though we arrived just at the right time. We found some sample recordings for a potential comeback album too. Now if they got out there, God only knows how many lives and Christmas Days would have been ruined – it’s just not worth thinking about’.
Sir Cliff, currently holidaying in Barbados, said: ‘These images were never intended to be released. They were for personal use only, and no harm was intended when they were taken. I’m more than happy to never take any again and just continue my usual form of abuse, namely audio abuse, which will continue as normal next year at Wimbledon, and in your car when you’re stuck in traffic and the bastard radio won’t switch off.’
Sergeant Denis Cooper, who led the raid, said: ‘As you can imagine, some officers have been offered the best counselling available. They are trained for this sort of stuff, but there isn’t much that can prepare you for viewing an image of a shirtless Cliff Richard gyrating around a Christmas tree, which was just one of many unspeakably awful images we found in a folder labelled ‘December Collection’.’
He added: ‘One officer, who is a close friend of mine, was the first to view some of Cliff’s sample images for April 2015, crudely entitled ‘Hot Cross Buns’. I don’t know what it was that he saw, but he’s not spoken to anyone since. He was just two days away from retirement.’