Representatives of the UK tabloid press, meeting at a top secret destination code-named ‘The King’s Arms’ in Central London, have provisionally agreed the division of rights over the next three stages in the career of Tottenham Hotspur’s Gareth Bale. This is now planned to culminate in his ritual dismemberment by the Melanie Philipps column in the Daily Mail next spring.
Bale, 21, has now reached mainstream public awareness after two brilliant performances for his club against European champions Inter Milan in the Champions League over the past month. This has enabled journalists to position him as a shy, likeable young man of immense talent who still goes home to his mother’s home in Wales when he is given time off. A second phase of operations is to commence shortly.
‘Under our historic power-sharing agreement, we get first dibs on any adjectives beginning with ‘B’,’ said Sun football correspondent Rob Beasley. ‘We did ‘Brilliant Bale’ yesterday and we’re just starting to think of some more. Tottenham are playing Bolton and Blackburn next, so it shouldn’t be too hard. The Daily Star has got the rest of the alphabet if he loses form.’
The Daily Mirror will start any rumours of a bigger club offering £50 million for Bale in the transfer window and has first refusal on talk of over £70 million, once Tottenham have insisted that Bale is ‘going nowhere’. The Daily Express, meanwhile, has the exclusive rights to rake over his love life.
‘People might say we’ve drawn the short straw, seeing as he’s still going out with his girlfriend from school,’ said Express football writer John Richardson, ‘but I’m sure we could dig up some orange-skinned Welsh skank he boffed once. Failing that, we could turn her into the hot new WAG to wind up Posh and Cheryl. She’s got a vagina, hasn’t she?’
Melanie Phillips has confirmed that her 22 March 2011 column will focus on the appalling example set to young people by Manchester City’s record £80 million, £300,000 a week signing Gareth Bale, who has just been arrested after punching a photographer while stumbling out of a nightclub high on cocaine in the company of two mini-skirted Ukrainian girls who apparently do everything.
‘And as for Daniel Laverty of Liverpool Schoolboys Under 15 team, don’t even get me started,’ added Phillips. ‘Scum, absolute scum.’