1D to join Kurdish Peshmerga fighters

1D

In a move that has shocked thousands of fans, pop phenomenon One Direction have announced that they are ‘taking a break’ from music in order to battle the so-called Islamic State alongside Peshmerga fighters in northern Syria.

‘We’ve been monitoring the rise of ISIS with an increasing sense of horror and indignation for quite some time,’ admitted teen heartthrob Harry Styles in an exclusive interview in the Sun newspaper. ‘As a band we’ve always said that stability in the Middle East is of paramount importance, as evidenced in the lyrics of our hit single Up All Night, and that sooner or later this will only be achieved by taking direct action.’

‘As keen antiquarians we were appalled by the destruction of ancient sites such as the bulldozing of Nimrud and the sheer vandalism carried out in Mosul,’ continued bandmate Liam Payne. ‘The recent blowing up of the Baalshamin temple at Palmyra was the last straw as far as we’re concerned. It’s time to stand up and be counted; just as soon as we’ve finished recording our next album and performed a farewell tour – starting at Sheffield’s Motorpoint Arena and ending in Kobane.’

Speculation regarding the boy’s future has been rife for some time, especially after Zayn Malik quit the band in March after admitting that he ‘wasn’t really arsed’ about the deteriorating situation in Iraq. ‘The other guys just kept going on about it,’ he told reporters. ‘Instead of coming up with love songs and stuff, they wanted to do stuff about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Well that ain’t gonna sell records is it?’

1D’s legion of devoted fans have stretched Twitter’s servers to breaking point following the announcement: ‘OMG Im crying right now’ tweeted ‘Kelly4Eva’, whilst ‘1DShazza’ blasted ‘F*K U ISIS ITS YOUR FAULT!!!!’ In fact such is the fury of the Directioners that several have already stated their intention to join their heroes in the battle against Islamic fundamentalism. ‘I’m all packed and ready to go – 1D camo miniskirt, 1D water bottle and of course my 1D poster,’ revealed Tracey, 15, from Barnsley. ‘I don’t know much about the geopolitical situation in the Middle East and I’m clueless about house-to-house street fighting in desert conditions, but where Niall Horan goes, I go.’

Turkish border officials have reported a tenfold increase in the number of teenage girls attempting to cross into Syria. ‘It’s completely different,’ stated one anonymous border guard, ‘where normally we wave through half a dozen deluded, hijab-wearing females per week, now hundreds of devoted and obsessive young western girls are crossing daily – ISIS are going to have a field day!’

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2015 by

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