Security cameras are being installed in the bedrooms of Britain’s openly gay bishops to ensure that they adhere to the strict new celibacy rules imposed by the Church of England. The precaution is being taken after it was realised that simply trusting bishops not to have sex just because it was forbidden, has not had a particularly good track record down the centuries.
Cameras will also be installed in the shower, on the big rug by the fireplace and in the local public toilets just in case the couple are feeling like playing up to gay sexual stereotypes. The cameras will also be capable of close-ups and wide shots, to check that any females having sex with bishops are not actually gay men in drag.
‘I am planning to monitor every bedroom myself’ explained the newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby. ‘I have a bank of high definition TV screens in my bedroom, and I am looking forward to sitting up all night with some pizzas, a six pack of lager, and a packet of man-size tissues. Obviously I prefer not to think about what they would do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, but my verger has also volunteered to watch next door and will rush in to wake me up if there’s any action.’
Meanwhile new divisions are emerging within the Church of England over what constitutes ‘gay sex’. Anglican traditionalists say that any physical contact between homosexual bishops is forbidden, while progressives say that only full anal sex is taboo. At a recent meeting of the General Synod, members prayed for guidance from the Lord on his feelings about ‘rimming’, ‘tea-bagging’ and ‘fisting’. ‘I mean personally, I have no problem with seeing the odd hand job’ said the Archbishop. ‘And maybe a bit of oral and the odd chocolate finger. As long as they don’t follow it through as far as spraying cocksnot. Banning gay orgasms is the sensible compromise that the C of E has agreed will prevent us from looking completely ridiculous.’