The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has spoken out on behalf of the increasingly impotent God, on a difficult issue that has arisen from His regretful decision to give mankind free will, rather than just His own perfect will.
Fortunately for God, the Archbishop Welby has the kind of power and influence over the affairs of man that He could only dream of, as well as having a very fancy outfit with lots of gold bits, a massive hat and a crooked stick which shows just what a terrifically wise man he really is.
The Most Reverend Primate – as the good Lord’s Kent-based rep also likes to be known – is deeply concerned that given the right to die, the people who God mysteriously chooses to make terminally sick will lose out on a whole six months of quality-time before they have to prematurely depart into the eternal embrace of our loving Creator.
When it was pointed out that Christ’s foreknowledge of the consequence of his his final actions means that his crucifixion could be thought of as assisted dying, the Archbishop loosened his dog collar, took a shot of Communion wine, and sagely reminded us to “consider the lilies of the field”.
However, it so happens that the Archbishop need not have worried, because Friday’s vote in the House of Commons – which rejected the Assisted Dying Bill – means that God’s prayers were mercifully answered, and Justin can now return to the many other matters of life and death which God cannot be bothered to deal with.