Sources close to Tony Blair claim that the former Prime Minister has recently begun to receive a deluge of letters from the kind of women who normally write explicit correspondence to well-known violent prisoners. According to reports, since the publication of his autobiography ‘A Journey’, which has seen the revisiting of the most controversial aspects of his premiership, Blair has been inundated with letters from troubled women offering him their bodies, hands in marriage, or at the very least access to their previously worn underwear.
‘They usually begin something like, ‘Dear Tony, I find your alleged complicity in war crimes, and association with individuals that are overtly corrupt human rights abusers to be strangely arousing’,’ explained an unnamed insider. ‘They then go on to claim that they and Tony have a spiritual bond, because they know the truth about his being innocent and just misunderstood. Usually they include a candid photo of themselves taken on a kitchen table that hasn’t been cleared after breakfast. It could put you right off being a pretty straight guy I can tell you.’
Some think the ex-PM may have come to the attention of those usually only seeking relationships with Britain’s most hardened criminals as a result of the Facebook campaign to move Blair’s memoirs to the Crime section in bookshops, while others consider it as just a natural extension of a promotional tour that saw him feature regularly on Five News. However Blair’s team have played down the claims, and dismissed as nonsense reports that not only is their man receiving the letters, but is actively replying to them.
‘The idea he’d get involved with these women is insane,’ insisted a spokesperson, ‘they’re nutters. There’s one who keeps emailing pictures of one place he hasn’t intimately searched for weapons of mass destruction, another keen to try it ‘the third way’, and yet another offering to spank him with a gavel this evening while wearing only a judge’s wig. She’s also promising to pick up milk on the way hom… Sorry, actually forget that last one — wrong file.’
30th September 2010