Chuka Umunna to quit showering in the morning

The ex-shadow business secretary has declared his intention to step down from front-line hygiene control and to focus more time on trying to ‘stay in his pyjamas’. Having withdrawn from the Labour leadership contest and now having quit the shadow cabinet, Mr. Umunna is committed to a lack of commitment; which extends to no longer shaving, attending Zumba classes or remembering friend’s birthdays.

Shuffling around his bedroom on a point of principle, Mr. Umunna said he still planned to play an active political role, provided he could do it ‘without the use of soap.’ Friends and family have expressed concern about Mr. Umunna’s lackadaisical response to the Corbyn election; an associate explained: ‘It’s not that Chuka doesn’t care. He does care. He cares so much that he’s ceased to care…and wash.’

One political historian explained: ‘The Labour movement has a long tradition of quitting. Keir Hardie was infamous as a union agitator, but he spent most of his time sitting in his pants grumbling about the price of smoked mackerel. While the Jarrow March of 36 only got as far as the end of the street, when the protesting ship builders wandered off into a layby for a short nap.’

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Posted: Sep 15th, 2015 by

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