The Chairman of Waitrose PLC today returned from the Munich headquarters of German supermarket chain Lidl, announcing that he had secured an agreement that would ensure ‘no price war in our time’.
Tensions had been raised when Lidl’s charismatic but eccentric leader made dark statements to an auditorium packed with supporters, saying he wanted to expand ‘into traditional Waitrose territory’. However, analysts confidently announced that this rhetoric was just for domestic consumption and didn’t represent a real threat to the status quo, an impression Lidl’s leader was keen to confirm.
‘Honestly, as a cut price supermarket we’re perfectly happy with just having branches in the poorer parts of London – Hampstead, Highgate, Richmond and so on.’
When it was pointed out that Lidl doesn’t have branches in any of those areas, the charismatic young leader apologised for his mistake, saying he had meant to say Warsaw, Leningrad and Moscow.
‘But after that, we have no further territorial ambitions. Especially not Stalingrad.’