George Osbourne today highlighted his dominant positon in the polls by openly challenging Boris Johnson to a fight and demanding his turn ‘to f@$k a pig’. In a series of bizarre acts, the Chancellor ambled about the stage, fist-pumping imaginary voters and blowing kisses to the assembled press.
Sitting on the edge of the stage and openly smoking from a glass pipe, he yelled: ‘Let’s face it Britain, who else are you going to vote for now? That pacifist scarecrow? Tim-what’s-his-name? That Green bint? No. No, you’re not. So sit back and take what you voted for’.
He waved away concerned aides by producing an eight inch hunting knife and waving it threateningly. He then exposed his testicles which he had amateurishly coloured blue and screamed incoherently at a party delegate that they would be ‘euthanised’ if they were not careful.
His ranting and genital exposure lasted about an hour until he collapsed, crying uncontrollably, whilst clutching a stuffed toy and whispering: ‘come back Maggie, come back’ over and over again. The Telegraph described his speech as a ‘Tour de Force’ and a fitting introduction for a potential new Prime Minister in 5 years time. While The Sun described his performance as ‘Top Bantz’.