Disgruntled rail passengers leaning across the aisle to say ‘Can’t you read? This is the quiet carriage!’ may become a thing of the past following plans to introduce a range of carriages designed to ram the point home.
‘Properly quiet’ carriages will be aimed at passengers who object to all conversations, not just the terminally boring one-sided ones you get from people yabbering away on their mobiles. Other noise-creating activities outlawed will be chewing, sniffing, throat-clearing, slurping, needlessly noisy newspaper rustling, murmuring passages from well-thumbed prayer books and doing that thing where people breathe in through a film of saliva.
Towards the middle of the train there’ll be a ‘For The Last Time, Shut It’ carriage coupled with a ‘What Part of Quiet Don’t You Understand, Dickhead?’ carriage, while towards the rear of the train it is proposed to have a ‘It’s Quiet. Too Quiet. I Don’t Like It.’ carriage, where passengers are expected to shoot glances at one another through narrowed eyes.