Education Secretary Nicky Morgan is to confirm an expansion in selective schooling, in order to finally create a race of ‘troglodyte over-lords’. In a homage to H. G. Wells’ novel, Kent County Council have managed to go back in time to the 1950’s and a curriculum based on eugenics, the Eton wall game and plot of Billy Bunter.
While there are some concerns that the subterranean Grammar students will only have limited access to the surface world, this will be offset by significantly higher A-B rates. A spokeswoman for the Department of Education explained: ‘Grammar school graduates are far more productive than anyone else – providing much needed food, clothing, and infrastructure for the rest of the population. The only downside is they need to feast on human flesh in order to survive; but that’s a fair price for a good OFSTED report’.
She continued: ‘Grammar schools are genius. We take the brightest 10% of the nation, then sort them into sets by ability and finally give them a sense of genetic superiority. And then, as if by magic, the top 10% of the top 10% do really well in their exams. It’s such a surprise’.
Most Grammar school graduates can be recognised by their dull grey-to-white skin, chinless faces and their Michael Gove-like voice. The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Arbitrarily streaming school children at 11, will finally put an end to the ridiculous idea that all people are born equal or should have the same opportunities. Some will always struggle with Latin vocab; while others will live in cave, have large greyish-red eyes and hairy backs – just like Andrew Neil’.