‘We thought that if only he could find solace in some higher authority we could clear all this mess up this Sunday and move forward into a new week with a clear conscience,’ said Cardinal Mazzavetto, one of the Pope’s closest aides at the Vatican, ‘but who could we possibly ask? Is anyone worthy enough to be given the job? Well we struggled with that one until I saw a postcard of them together from last year and, well, it was like St Paul on the road to Basra, or Damascus – anyway, somewhere – and I knew our problems would soon be all behind us.’
Tony Blair is reported to be delighted at the prospect of advising his Holiness on delicate international matters – it’s clearly a big enough job for him – and wife Cherie has been instrumental in providing full moral backing, writing out the contract and negotiating the fee.
The confession will take place ’round at Tony’s’ over a lovely glass or two of communion Chateauneuf du Pape where the procedure advocated by the Vatican for the absolution of sin of devout believers – talking to someone through an ornate screen – will be fully applied to the head of the Catholic church.
‘He’ll probably get away with saying a few Hail Marys and promising he won’t do it again,’ said Cardinal Mazzavetto, ‘at least until the next time.’
The obviously relieved Cardinal added ‘I’m so happy I could shag a nun.’