The revelations that eating chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks and other addictive but utterly delicious products containing high amounts of sugar are bad for health has prompted confectionary makers to take a ‘fresh, honest’ approach to the advertising of such products.
‘There’s no point lying anymore: the public are our addicts and we are their suppliers only with better lighting and tasteful prints from John Lewis in our offices,’ said one sweet manufacturer.
From now on, the makers of a well-known gooey and rich chocolate spread will ‘drop the mealy-mouthed, Pollyanna b.s.’ that their product can be ‘spread’ on bread with a picture of a fresh-faced slim child and instead show a hormonal female crying with frustration as she attempts to insert a shovel into a small jar of the product on the label.
‘Resealable’ bars of chocolate will disappear and ‘sharing’ packs of popular chocolate treats will be replaced with the tag: ‘f*** off, it’s mine’. Also, the traditional ‘funsize’ bars are set to be relabelled as ‘no effing fun at all’ and the label will instead be placed on 1kg bars of chocolate to reflect the general consensus about what the word ‘fun’ really means in relation to chocolate.
Jamie Oliver is said to be ‘incensed’ by the move as are people who manage to eat ‘no more than two small squares of good quality dark chocolate a day’ a.k.a. ‘smug barstewards’ by cranky people yet to hit their local convenience store at midnight for their latest sugar fix.
In related news, rumours that the Bournville model village is to be renamed ‘Crack Central’ have been denied.