In a surprise announcement by the Chancellor, the British public have been warned that suckling on the welfare teat is worse than ‘smoking processed meats’. George Osborne has defended his decision to cut tax credits as an attempt to save lives, combat salami-handouts and low-wage beef jerky.
A spokesman for Mr. Osborne said: ‘We’ve been trying to warn the public, that the welfare state is bad for your health – particularly with our funding of the NHS. Pensions can cause diabetes. Your Housing Allowance will give your herpes. And Disability Benefit causes…um…well…disability’.
Even those who have accused the Tories of scaremongering, admit that six years of Mr. Osborne is ‘enough to make anyone feel sick’. The spokesman went on to explain the carcinogenic effects of supporting Jeremy Corbyn: ‘The Labour leader is a threat to our health security and economic security. Did I mention our security? Good, because the more I say it, the more it sounds like Mr. Corbyn is a member of I.S. wrapped in corned beef’.
While low-wage families will be £1,000 a year worse off, they will be tumour-free. The spokesman clarified Tory economics: ‘It is a well known fact that using food banks will put you in a wheel chair. Or to put it in laymen’s terms – claim benefits and we’ll break your legs. And if the public are worried about the risk of cancer, we suggest you check your testicles regularly – because we’re coming for them next’