Santa Claus has said he will be suing billions of householders this year if they fail to supply him with food and drink without clearly displaying the correct allergy information. New EU laws came into effect this month that require anyone providing food to be able to supply information about the ‘14 everyday allergens’. That is to protect those in the UK that have severe reaction to certain things including nuts, soya, dairy, fish, horse, immigrants and queue jumping.
‘Over the last twelve months I have been self-diagnosed with a fashionable form of gluten intolerance’, Mr Claus said. ‘This has meant I have had to avoid bread, pastries and almost certainly mince bloody pies. I’m sure one or two would be fine, but I consumed billions of the buggers last year and not one was correctly labelled. At least now there’s a law that means I can sue their inconsiderate arses. As a result of their allergen ignorance, I had a severe allergic reaction last time and put on about 260 stone.’
Many experts have said that the last year’s weight gain suffered by Mr Claus is unlikely to have been caused by any gluten intolerance and his second claim that it was an alcohol intolerance that saw him drive his sleigh 3,600 times over the drink-drive was ‘clutching at straws’, but did concede that correct and proper labelling should now always be in place.
It’s that opinion that many think will give five of his reindeers a strong case against householders, too. Rudolph, the union rep for the reindeers explained many of his members are lactose intolerant but drink all the milk left for them in good faith that it’s lactose free. ‘There was one house last year that had clearly thought of our wellbeing and left a glass of Alpro out for us. Sadly the other five are allergic to soya.’
If billions of lawsuits are indeed filed and won, Mr Claus and his reindeer will be able to retire from their annual duties, leaving many concerned about the future of Christmas. Although many DJs from the 1970s have put themselves forward, it is thought the world will wait for a more suitable candidate willing to empty his sack, but in a more child-friendly way.