The BBC has announced that a version of Nigella Lawson’s Christmas Kitchen which is entirely free of sexual suggestion will be shown over the festive season in a peak primetime slot. Her usual full-on X-rated programme will instead be confined to late-night schedules.
‘We decided to ‘sex-down’ the mainstream show in response to complaints from celibate and asexual viewers,’ said a BBC spokesman. ‘This audience demographic says its enjoyment of the programme is frequently spoilt by Nigella’s smouldering glances as she sensually pouts around the kitchen purring sultry comments, such as ‘dessert is not dessert without a good cream filling’. Many are perfectly happy with more savoury dessert options.’
In the new toned-down show, the domestic goddess will appear wearing a shapeless plain brown overall in place of her trademark plunging neckline sweater, so familiar to her many fans who salivate as she produces her tasty titbits. The featured recipes will be similarly under-exposed.
‘The Christmas dinner won’t have any of the ‘usual trimmings’,’ continued the spokesman, ‘and there definitely won’t be any chocolate truffles for Nigella to slowly pop into her mouth after licking her lips in anticipation. Not that viewers would see anything anyway, as Nigella will be wearing a balaclava to go with the sunglasses which producers have been deemed necessary to hide her come-play-with-me eyes.’
For the Christmas main course, to avoid further complaints, producers have deliberately selected a non-succulent turkey which cannot under any circumstances be described as ‘moist’. It is expected that the bird will be saved a stuffing of any kind, and any pre-watershed mention of its legs or breasts will be discreetly bleeped out.
The news has been met with distress by Ms Lawson’s supporters. ‘This is typical of the BBC,’ said a member of Nigella’s fan club. ‘In trying not to offend a small minority they’ve managed to offend a large majority instead. We love Nigella just the way she is. If the BBC wanted to make a sex-free cookery programme they should have hired Delia Smith, then no one’s Yorkshire puddings would rise.’