Speaking from an undisclosed location, the son of God (not to be mistaken for Donald Trump) gave a surprise heart-warming message to his right-wing faithful. Wearing a festive jumper, he spake unto the masses: ‘Judge not, that ye not be judged. The free market will ultimately determine who is right. Remember, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, but,’ he added, ‘you’d be surprised where you can go with a nice set of wheels’.
In what was seen as an endorsement of Ted Cruz he went on to say: ‘Behold the birds of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much better than them? Of course you are! You’re not going to accept a handout. So get a good job, invest wisely, and eat a helluva lot better than a bird.’
Dismissive of the Obama administration and their record on immigration he said: ‘Many will come from east and west — and especially the porous border to the south. And if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other check also. This will distract him while you righteously reach for your gun and smite that sucker’.
Jesus answered a few of issues of morality, seen as a barbed reference to the Clintons: ‘What God has joined together, let man not separate, particularly with another man. Two women together are a no-no as well, and leaving your wife for the 20-year-old secretary is frowned upon, unless there is a reasonable pre-nup. Of course, let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone – preferably at the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic.”
‘Remember that I am with you to the end of time,’ he concluded. ‘Or until we get a Republican in the White House, whichever comes first.’