Fans of ‘The Force Awakens’ were disappointed to discover that a top Gove Academy has been forced into special measures. With the same alarming predictability of a US High School, another ’emo kid with midichlorians and acne’ has massacred of his classmates, embraced the Dark Side of apprenticeships and completely deviated from the Scheme of Work set by the Jedi Council.
An Inspector explained: ‘The failure of Luke’s academy is another example of single-faith schools leading to a radicalization of their pupils. Oversight is also weak, with the last competent Governor (Wilhuff Tarkin) having perished on the Death Star. Tatooine catchment areas are notoriously demanding and class-room management has to address students trying to kill their Masters.’
She went on to say: ‘I blame the parents. You’ve kids in a constant state of rebellion – with Sith parents raising Jedis and Jedis producing Sith. Take this Skywalker family, everyone is perpetually disappointed with their offspring – but where are the boundaries? Do any of these parents say don’t make your own light sabre, don’t smoke or you’ll end up wearing a face mask and don’t hang out with a 25ft holographic weirdo’.
Originally the Department for Education had heralded Academies as centres for excellence with extensive ‘one to one Sith tuition’, extra-curricular force choke and a strict adherence to uniform policy of white and black. However student retention rates post-massacre have been particularly low; with many staff leaving the profession to become hermits or joining the private sector to groom teenagers in the way of the Dark Side – or Grammar Schools as they are known.