Ever wondered why Mr. Solo looks like an extra from ‘The Walking Dead’? In fact, our beauty experts are often asked – how can I get skin like a walnut? Where can I find that healthy glow which is so reminiscent of the Turin shroud or that musky care-home smell? If you want to re-create the visage of Harrison Ford, there are some simple forms of self-mutilation that can add decades to your appearance.
1: Get frozen in carbonite. This should help dry out any oily skin.
2: Radiation sickness. From various leaky valves on board the Millennium Falcon. Let’s be honest, Chewwy is a dreadful electrician.
3: Space herpes. You should have been a bit more careful in those early years with Lando Calrissian. Never trust a gambler to wear protection.
4: Financial worries. Jabba’s through with you. He has no time for smugglers who invest in the Royal Bank of Scotland.
5: Exfoliate with the sand of Tatooine. Remember to stop when you reach the bone.
6: Guilt. Guilt at having killed the only cool character in the franchise. Yes, we’re talking about Boba Fett. You’re an asshole, Solo! You kill Boba but Jar Jar Binks walks free?
7: Six Days, Seven Nights. Technically not a Star Wars movie, but starring in this fetid pile of Bantha offal must have added years to Mr. Ford.
8: Use the fur around a Wookie’s anus as a facial scrub. Make sure to do this in deep space, so no one can hear the Wookie scream for help.
9: Getting an earring at 55. Seriously, if you are going to have a mid-life crisis you might as well marry Ally McBeal…oh.
10: Spend 30 years listening to that shrew Leia. Han says: ‘All her sh@t about ‘my brother’s a jedi’ and ‘that’s not how my brother does it!’ – which is particularly off-putting during sex’.