World War III on the cards as Wikileaks reveals US Christmas list

nothing this year for Putin

The world’s military was put on standby earlier today following revelations regarding the US’s planned Christmas purchasing policy published on Wikileaks.

The crisis reached a head earlier today when North Korea announced it was bitterly disappointed that according to the leaked list it was to receive a card but no present. ‘This is a terrible slight against our great country’ ranted leader in waiting Kim Jong-un. ‘After we donated that lovely goat to an African village on their behalf last year, we thought we’d be getting something nice from them this year. It’s a massive insult. And I’m not sure what they’re trying to say either, personally addressing a card that plays ‘Last Christmas’ when you open it up to my father. We’re definitely going to send that special ‘cracker’ to South Korea now.’

Tensions in the Middle East are also heightened after President Ahmadinejad learned that Iran was set to receive a Hai Karate gift set from the US. ‘That Hai Karate gift set has been doing the rounds since 1985’ he moaned. ‘No-one ever uses it and they just wrap it up again and give it someone else next year. I’m sure we gave it to Iraq back in 1987. We gave them something anyway. If they can’t do better than that then they can stick their Boxing Day mince pies and carols party invitation.’

President Obama moved quickly to try to calm the situation, describing the leaked list as ‘just something I jotted down whilst I was on the toilet last week’ and issuing a statement saying ‘I haven’t finished doing the official US Christmas shopping yet. I’m hitting the shops later today and I’m confident that I can find something to please even the most difficult to buy for despotic dictatorships, especially as I’ve heard there’s a sale on at Tie Rack.’

Other countries outside the Axis of Evil have also been disgruntled by the Christmas List however. President Sarkozy is said to be dismayed that he might be receiving crossword puzzle toilet paper, and President Hu Jintau told the Chinese state media ‘an iTunes gift voucher – what am I supposed to do with that – we banned iTunes last year?’. Prime Minister Berlusconi was alone in being pleased with his likely present – a box of chocolate breasts.

United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has urged President Obama to buy ‘sensible and useful presents’ in a bid to prevent further offence being taken. ‘Alternatively, soap-on-a-rope always goes down well, or perhaps Mrs Obama could knit a nice sweater for the leaders of the world’ he suggested. ‘You don’t have to spend money on presents either’ he added. ‘I’m sure a hand-made promise to stop sticking your oar into world affairs in a so-called War on Terror would be more than welcome’.

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Posted: Dec 25th, 2015 by

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