The Environment Agency has responded to the floods in the north of England by raising its threat indicator from the baseline ‘Tickety-boo’ straight to ‘Something really should be done’, by-passing the interim stages of ‘A bit of a rum do’, ‘Just not cricket’ and ‘Simply not on, old boy’.
‘These northern Johnnies with their whippets should never doubt that they matter just as much to us as proper Englishmen with Labradors,’ said Agency spokesman Crispin Morton. ‘Some say we should do something ourselves and, well, I’m late for lunch at my club as it is. But I can tell you we are putting in place long term measures in case this ever happens again. For a start, we’re moving the Agency to a building much higher above sea level.’