As excavations continue at the Temple of Asda in Luton, a major new find from the Old Kingdom period in Britain (c.1780-2044), Britologists are divided over the meaning of some of the symbolic writings on the exterior temple walls. Interpreting them correctly could revolutionise our understanding of this little-known period.
Kyun Soon-Hee, Emeritus Professor of Ancient European Studies at the University of New Seoul, announced at a press conference last week that the second of two hieroglyphics had been deciphered. It reads ‘Kylie Price masturbates with brockoli [sic] and carrots’. Another, partially erased on the same section of wall, is generally agreed to read ‘Terry Hackett is a fat gayl[ord,] 100% tr[ue]’.
‘Asda was the harvest god of the Middle Kingdom British and strontium-carbon readings at the site prove that his temple was filled to the brim with food offerings of all kinds,’ said Kyun. ‘It seems probable, therefore, that Kylie Price was a high priestess who, as part of the annual cycle, inserted certain totemic foodstuffs into herself to invoke the blessings of the god and ensure a good harvest.’
Other Britologists, however, believe that Professor Kyun underestimates the contribution the Middle Kingdom era made to the emerging civilisation of the day. They are more interested in the light these comments throws on 21st century British popular culture.
‘Surely there could be no greater praise for an apparently ordinary man like Terry Hackett than that he was a well-fed gaylord in the place the harvest god was said to reside on Earth?’ argued Wang Qiajiao of the Shanghai Centre for Pre-Modern Britain, who has consistently argued against the stereotypical view that Luton was the degenerate heart of a barbaric nation.
‘When you see this in the same sentence as a confident expression of certainty over Terry’s unusual tendencies and next to another inscription eulogising Kylie’s even more unusual religious rituals, you soon see that 21st century Luton was a remarkably diverse and tolerant place. We have much to learn from these people.’