Jose Mourinho has been sacked as manager of Manchester United shortly before the club could announce his appointment, or his predecessor’s dismissal. This came 20 minutes after he had signed a contract and was having tea with the directors.
‘It all went downhill when Jose burnt his mouth on his cup of tea. He immediately blamed the tea lady, Mabel, calling her milk-to-water ratio naive and demoted her to serving tea to the under 21s,’ said Sir Bobby Charlton. ‘He then spotted an ink stain on his hand and summoned the stationary manager, Paul, who he proceeded to tear strips off in front of the whole office supplies team.’
Because Louis van Gaal’s P45 had not yet been processed, he was reappointed on the spot. Charlton said: ‘We’re all really excited about Louis taking us into the post-Mourinho era.’