After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.
“The penny dropped when I ran for a Central Line tube and ended up in hospital. When I heard the signal for closing doors, I sprinted down the escalators but tripped over a misplaced rucksack. It was spilling onto the left-hand side for goodness sake. I fell quite badly, and lay writhing in agony for about 3 minutes. What made matters worse was that 2 more tubes arrived and departed in that time.”
Following ankle reconstruction surgery Alan returned to his South Kensington apartment alone. His 8 week period of recovery gave him time to ruminate further on his epiphany.
“I used to get really irate if somebody’s Oyster card was invalid and holding me up. I thought these were precious seconds that I’d never get back. The truth is, however, that nobody ever noticed if I was late into the office. And I’d usually spend the first 30 minutes in a toilet cubicle playing Angry Birds.”
He continued,”I’d also be in a hurry on the way home, but I realised this was completely irrational. My evenings consisted of Netflix, microwaved dinners and some occasional porn. I didn’t exactly have any deadlines or social commitments.
Tragically, a work colleague informed us that Alan was found under a tube at Bank station, on his first day back at work. The cause of death was “signal failure”.