London commuter confesses: “I don’t know why I’m rushing”

Whoosh... Life's gone.

After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.

“The penny dropped when I ran for a Central Line tube and ended up in hospital. When I heard the signal for closing doors, I sprinted down the escalators but tripped over a misplaced rucksack. It was spilling onto the left-hand side for goodness sake. I fell quite badly, and lay writhing in agony for about 3 minutes. What made matters worse was that 2 more tubes arrived and departed in that time.”

Following ankle reconstruction surgery Alan returned to his South Kensington apartment alone. His 8 week period of recovery gave him time to ruminate further on his epiphany.

“I used to get really irate if somebody’s Oyster card was invalid and holding me up. I thought these were precious seconds that I’d never get back. The truth is, however, that nobody ever noticed if I was late into the office. And I’d usually spend the first 30 minutes in a toilet cubicle playing Angry Birds.”

He continued,”I’d also be in a hurry on the way home, but I realised this was completely irrational. My evenings consisted of Netflix, microwaved dinners and some occasional porn. I didn’t exactly have any deadlines or social commitments.

Tragically, a work colleague informed us that Alan was found under a tube at Bank station, on his first day back at work. The cause of death was “signal failure”.


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Posted: Jan 4th, 2016 by

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