The Royal Astronomical society has today released data from scientists at the world’s largest telescopes revealing an earth-like planet in the Milky Way which appears devoid of any nasty goings on at all.
Lying only 42 light years away, the planet is neither too warm nor too cold and everything, everything about it, according to the data, is ‘just right’.
‘Our spectrometer measurements reveal an atmosphere like our own,’ said Professor Han Olos, ‘and detailed analysis shows that it is stable; that there is organic life taking from the atmosphere and replenishing it in a sustainable way. Observations also indicate that weather systems and clouds drift across the planet’s surface; it rains with fresh water, but most of the time there is warm sunshine, and the perfect conditions for the formation of higher, more complicated organisms. I don’t want to appear romantic, but some might call it paradise.’
Further data suggests that volcanoes have built land masses but now lie dormant; a protective magnetic shield generated in the planet’s core protects it from the harsh solar wind emitted from its nearest star. Carbon dioxide measurements, however, are not yet at the level that would suggest that organic animal life has begun in earnest, according to the data being presented.
‘There are no signs yet of higher life; no insect-like creatures, no fish, reptiles or mammals; so no great struggles out on the plains or in the seas or fragile societies based on aggression and fights for power. There is no independent thought, or any mechanism for interaction on a conscious level between any of the lifeforms on the planet for the benefit and progression of all. It’s just plants,’ said Professor Olos.
‘Plants, plants, plants, plants, plants,’ he added, ‘all being nice to each other, all the time.’
‘It’s really fucking boring.’