Owning Joni Mitchell CDs may bar you from being President

They paved paradise and put up Trump towers

Concerns have been raised that Republican hopeful, Ted Cruz, may be disqualified from running due to his Canadian heritage and ‘love of Mounties’. A clause in the US constitution prohibits those not of ‘natural birth’ from the Presidency; which goes on to list other excluding qualities such as putting milk in bags, speaking French or ‘being Jim Carrey’.

Although it has been scientifically proven that Canadians are 76% more relaxed around gun ownership and, unlike US citizens, possess the ‘irony gene’ – they are not strictly human. A spokesman for Donald Trump explained: ‘You thought Obama-care was bad, you should see what those socialist b@stards in the north are doing. If it wasn’t for the fact that Santa Claus come from Canada, we’d have put up a wall years ago’.

Our readers will be surprised to learn that Canada is a sovereign state in its own right and not, as many assume, part of the US with a ‘fetish for the British Monarchy’. In fact, Canada is over twice the size of Staten Island and has had its own running water and electricity since the 2003. As a nation it was founded by William Shatner in the 60’s inspired by an elaborate dare by James ‘Scotty’ Doohan; for which he would later record a national anthem in an exaggerated recitation.

Mr. Trump insisted that he was not prejudiced against Canadian immigration if they looked like Pamela Anderson or Rachel McAdams, but he drew the line at ‘that hairy-ball sack’ Seth Rogen. Meanwhile a spokesman for Mr. Cruz was quick to distance himself from his birthplace saying he: ‘…hated ice hockey. And never enjoyed listening to Bryan Adams’ – but who has?

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Posted: Jan 24th, 2016 by

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