The infamous George Osborne (Georgeus Gideoliver Osbornosus) bacterium has failed to be controlled yet again, for more than its third time in office. ‘We know the filthy germ thrives in places with a lot of money,’ an NHS spokesman stated in an exclusive interview. ‘Lucky for us, we don’t have any’.
This isn’t to say that hospitals have entirely escaped the disease. Last year, an estimated £1.2 billion was lost as a result of the germ, and hospitals were not the only sufferers. Schools, railway stations, and even Jimmy Carr were all subject to their own individual outbreaks, the worst affected suffering a case of income halvicos, one of the most costly TAXES (Terminally Additional EXpenSes) that can be contracted. The only way to avoid it, Mr Carr later explained, was to outsource all of his organs to the Cayman Islands, where the climate is too hot for TAXES to survive.
The disease behaves more like a parasite, sucking money and other valuable assets out of an individual by sub-contracting other TAXES to do the work. Once the body is almost completely drained of any financial value, the bacterium seemingly vanishes, leaving the host alive, but barely.
The highly irritable disease carries symptoms of headaches, depression, recession and a very nasal voice, as well as a chemical make-up that has baffled medical experts. ‘Most bacteria grow in some sort of culture,’ a leading biochemist explained. ‘But this one seems to be actively fighting any sort of cultural move forward.’
He then went on, whilst showing a bunch of graphs no-one understood, to explain how difficult it was to actually examine. ‘It’s a slimy little germ. You think you’ve got it nailed and might finally be able to rid the country of it. But then the four year mutation period comes around and it gets reinstated, only this time it’s mutated into the Chancellor of the Exchequer. And it’s even harder to fight those.’
The scientist was going to show more, but dropped the specimen test tube and instantly came down with a case of the Infantile Benefititus Reductium. He was admitted to a local hospital, but later died of austerity.
20th January 2013