In a surprise turnaround, Grand Ayatollah Ali Hossaini Khamenei has secured his place as the US Republican party’s challenger to Barack Obama in November’s US presidential election, following a decisive primary in Texas.
After a bruising campaign which saw several frontrunners emerge only to fall by the wayside, including Herman Cain, Christine O’Donnell, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney, Republican voters were ultimately swayed by Khamenei’s conservative stance on a range of moral issues as well as his soaring rhetoric.
‘I am sickened that the whores and mongrels of America have exercised free will by voting,’ ranted Khamenei. ‘May your rivers run with blood and a plague of flies bring darkness upon your heathen skies,’ he continued, in a clear appeal to Republican sentiments on the environmental movement.
As polls closed, the former Iranian spiritual leader was in Las Vegas issuing a fatwa on real estate tycoon, Donald Trump, and playing blackjack on the high rollers table with a harem of playful virgins. Khamenei then shocked reporters by announcing Joe Pesci as his running mate, citing his abhorrent hatred of Zionist infidels in the 1995 movie, Casino.
Lifelong Republican voter Kathleen M Fisher of Lubbock explained why she had plumped for Khamenei. ‘I was going to vote for Mitt Romney until the other day, even though he was also a Mormon,’ she said. ‘So I thought, why vote for a rich liberal from the east when I could for this guy who I think was the governor of Idaho. That’s where Tehran is, right?’
It is unclear, however, just what Ayatollah Khamenei is standing for. ‘We know he’s against free speech, music, art, literature, prostitution, gambling, getting stoned, contraception, three-ways, commercial television networks, electricity, women, alcohol, public nudity and alcohol,’ said one political commentator. ‘But he now needs to set out what he is standing for. America already has a devastating nuclear programme and a keen interest in religious fundamentalism, I just don’t know if there are any bandwagons left for him to jump on.’