Interest rates are set to remain at their historic low of 0.5% after the Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney revealed today that no-one at the bank could remember how to raise them.
‘It’s been so long since interest rates were increased that we’ve all forgotten how to do it’ said Carney. ‘There was a CD-ROM thingy that I was given on my first day that explained it all but I’ll buggered if I can find it. The last I saw of it was in the bottom drawer of my desk where I keep my stash of caramel wafers and that VHS tape explaining Windows 95’.
This latest embarrassing revelation comes only two months after a 16-year old schoolboy on work experience increased the rate of inflation by mistake while the Monetary Policy Committee were out for their Christmas lunch.
‘Interest rates will stay the same until the growth forecast improves’ Carney told reporters. ‘Or until we can raise them manually with a big crank handle and a shitload of WD40’.