Elements within Islamic State have declared an Islamic Welfare state in a bid to help homeless jihadis. ‘Too many terrorists have been left on the scrapheap and we need to help them get back out there maiming again and making a positive contribution to society,’ said a spokesman for the cell. ‘After paying their way through terror training camps, our young jihadis find they are saddled with debt and can only get zero-hours contracts. Some of them have to live on hand-outs from Ammunition Banks. What we need is a living wage for our most vulnerable killers.’
IS has already come in for criticism from working-class fundamentalists for its contentious Bedroom Tax requiring jihadis to pay a levy for any room in their house which isn’t occupied by a hostage. But IS claimed it was cracking down on benefit fraud and was on the side of hardworking families of terrorists.
‘Thanks to our Universal Credit programme, no insurgent will be able to claim benefits in paradise that they have not earned in this life,’ said an IS spokesman, Iain Duncan Muhammad. ‘And spurious disability claims have plummeted since we armed our jobcentre staff with Kalashnikovs – though genuine disability claims have since seen a rise as well.’
Despite their differences, however, both the mainstream and socialist strands of IS agree that something needs to be done about absence due to sickness. ‘Suicide bombers are by far the worst offenders. They go on one mission and then they’re off on long-term sick. It’s a disgrace.’