Speaking from his lovely semi-detatched mock tudor maisonette in Pinner while leaning on the mantelpiece and enjoying a pipeful of rough shag, Derek Tweed proclaimed himself ‘delighted’ that the Common Entrance Exam is to be reinstated, thus disabusing uppity oiks of any futile aspirations to changing their lot in life. ‘It brings back the pre-war spirit of rigid class distinction and rickets,’ he said.
His twin sons Jarvis, 11 and Woodrow, 32, echoed their father’s positive endorsement of the Education secretary’s plans, Jarvis plaintively enquiring; ‘Please, papa, if I fail the exam does it mean I’ll have to go to school with the poor, dirty rough working class boys?’ to which Mr Tweed laughed heartily, displaying teeth yellowed by decades of Socialist dentistry.
His wife Rubella, paused in her straightening of the antimacassars and listening to the Light Programme to remark; ‘I’d like to have an opinion on this, but my head is too addled with bebop jazz and knitting patterns.’ In response to which she was thrashed affectionately by Mr Tweed for talking out of turn.
Speaking from his terraced Anderson shelter in Pimlico, Earwax Gatherer Reg Garboyle commented; ‘It’s a grand day for us lower orders and no error. My daughter Ryvita keeps sayin’ she wants to run orf to Soho and get a job in a coffee bar scoopin’ froth off of the cappuccinos of them celebrities like Gilbert Harding and Pete Murray. I tells ‘er if Earwax is good enough for me and her mum its good enough for ‘er. I didn’t come back from Tobruk with Bakelite knees for ‘er to get ideas above ‘er proper station.’
The education secretary’s plans are expected to be followed by further legislation reintroducing National Service, Jack Hawkins and restricting homosexuality to its traditional homes in the Church of England and the Boy Scout Movement. Muffin the Mule is also to be criminalised, again.