Sighs of relief today in Western Australia as the source of the ‘hairy panic’ swamping a town was identified as a moulting Boris Johnson who has been holidaying near the most affected area of Wangaratta.
Mr Johnson sheds his winter coat every year in March and usually this is taken care of by government contractors in his London home. However, it is thought that the unusually warm weather during his holiday triggered an early shedding event which subsequently engulfed the sleepy outback town.
‘Yeah, we found Bozza lying on a beach asleep with loads of the stuff just floating off him,’ said Dale Blenkins, a Wangaratta farmer this morning. ‘We initially thought it was coming off the fields the other side of the billabong, but look at the state of the fella! It’s just flying off him.’
Mr Johnson was unavailable for comment as his moulting state usually leaves him partially vegetative throughout the process and he was thought to have been recovering en route to the airport. His spokesman told us, ‘Mr Johnson had a bit of a surprise whilst holidaying. No offence meant but when hje starts, it’s impossible to stop him. I believe the locals are taking it all in their stride. Jolly good, blitz spirit and all that. Pip pip, peasants!”
Whilst the clean-up began in earnest, Mr Johnson flew back to the UK to continue neglecting his mayoral duties since taking a seat in the Commons last May. His spokesman warned the general public of potential aftereffects from the unseasonal Johnson moult.
‘Usually after shedding, Boris is extremely fertile so the public, especially females with a pulse, should only travel into any of the 32 London boroughs if absolutely necessary, especially if he may be startled or on heat. Which is pretty much all the time.
‘If you are touched by one of his airborne spores, please seek medical attention immediately. Or just call the papers.’