Perishing pensioners the length and breadth of Britain have been warmed this morning by news that British Gas has seen its profits rise by 31%.
One consumer said: ‘I’ve been rubbing my hands together. Partly with glee, and party because I can’t afford to put the fire on and I’d like to get some feeling back in my frost-bitten fingers.’
He went on: ‘I can’t think of a more deserving company. My bills are really cheap. Mind you, I do worry about my elderly neighbour; hers are extortionate. I probably shouldn’t have tapped into her gas supply, really.’
The heart-warming news was announced on Thursday morning. It had been expected on Tuesday but never turned up, despite journalists waiting in all day.
And there was further good news for customers. A spokesman said: ‘As other bills continue to rise, contributing to a terrible cost of living crisis, slightly cheaper gas bills mean it’s now more cost efficient than ever to stick your head in the oven and end it all.’