The Government today swung into action over growing complaints about plummeting standards in crap Friday night TV. Oftoss (Office for Televisual Onanistic and Speciousness Standards) will operate in tandem with Ofcom, but specifically legislate over both home-grown and imported crap programming.
‘The criteria that Ofcom usually applies to television programmes is whether they are fair, accurate and not liable to offend’ explained Ofcom Chief Sir Derek Fowles announcing the launch. ‘These are clearly not appropriate or helpful for the burgeoning crap sector of the market. The key issue for Oftoss to adjudicate upon is this: having pandered to our late night viewing instincts, do these shows actually make good on their promises. Far too often at present, it would appear that they do not.’
Sir Derek was convinced of the need for the new body after returning home on Friday night with a curry to watch Living TV’s ‘Pole Dancing Uncovered’.
‘It was just a bunch of middle class housewives taking an evening class in it. I hadn’t wanted an hour of my life back so desperately since watching Matrix Revolutions. I knew then, that swift and decisive action had to be taken.’
An Oftoss advisory panel has already been appointed, headed by a new Government ‘Crap Tsar’ Lord Terry Christian. Jamie Theakston and Sara Cox have also been promised ‘significant roles’ in consultations.
In an opening paper, sent to key crap-based terrestrial and cable channels, Oftoss highlighted a number of ‘worrying trends’ brought to their attention, including ‘reasonable sounding evangelists’ on God TV and two hours dedicated to ‘Extreme Pooh Sticks’ by the Extreme Sports channel. In particular, they expressed concern at a marked drop in the plausibility of conspiracy theory shows; quoting at length a complaint they had received from a Wiltshire viewer regarding Bravo’s documentary ‘The Reigate Goat-man Uncovered’
‘I am normally a huge fan of such programmes, and more than ready to believe even the most fantastically implausible conspiracies, providing that the mocked-up footage is accompanied by a portentous voiceover and fluorescent special effects. However the show strained even my credulity: it was clearly just a goat that had been photographed by some drunk people – even I could see that.’
The paper also castigated the channels for a 27% drop in campness over a 12 month period. Particular ire was reserved for Channel 5 show The Real Mamma Mia, which turned out to be a 90 minute documentary about three women who had decided to get married in Greece.
‘British Television is considered by many to be the finest in the World’ remarked Lord Christian. ‘The crap sector too, has huge potential for pre-eminence. It must not use its crapness as an excuse for any further slippage… ooh that sounds a bit rude doesn’t it?’