Thousands of UK churchgoers at risk of being interested

centuries of boring them to death still not working

Thousands of young people who regularly attend church in the UK may be vulnerable to feelings of mild interest, according to a report released today.  The report reveals that, while the mainstream Christianity message remains suitably bland, some are using the internet to read Bible stories, or have bought their own copies of The Bible from stores such as Waterstones.

This has inexorably lead them to joining choirs and visiting Christian bookshops, while several hundred are feared to be making plans to travel abroad to do voluntary work.  On online forums, DVDs of Highway to Heaven and Songs of Praise are regularly exchanged. Some young Christians have been spotted on Twitter posing with Bibles, wearing Christian badges and brandishing crosses, posting such messages as, ‘a God-created universe seems more likely’, ‘some things in the Bible might not be metaphors’, and ‘Christianity is my favourite of the Abrahamic religions’.

Anglican Priest Rev Andrew Morrissey said: ‘I remember some of these kids in my congregation. We tried our hardest to drive any spark of theological curiosity out of them, but their interest had already grown into a mild sense of wonder at the natural world. The word ‘sacrifice’ was often used. They talked about people going the either Heaven or Hell. One told me that one day the world was going to end – you know, crazy stuff.’

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church strongly denies their masses may have been infiltrated by actual believers, insisting that they have long exercised a strict policy of mumbling in Latin to ensure nothing makes any kind of sense.  After emergency meetings, the main churches in the UK released this joint statement: ‘This is obviously the last thing we expected, and a twisted view of what Christianity really represents, which is a series of quaint but unfathomable rituals on the way to Homebase.’

‘It is imperative we intervene with these kids and recondition them back into a state of total boredom by reading them some of the longer genealogies from the Old Testament.’

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Posted: Feb 27th, 2016 by

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