Initially angered that new husband Sean had not even updated his Facebook status to ‘In a relationship’, she had previously vowed to upload a new wedding photo seven days a week to remind everyone what a lucky bastard he is. Each status update would be tagged ‘With Sean Hughes’ to demonstrate online togetherness, but also suggest to a ticking biological time-bomb. From a portfolio of 1,000 photos, Kate has calculated that they needed to conceive in a maximum of three years to ensure a seamless transition on social media.
‘I get a little irked sometimes,’ she said, ‘it seems that it’s somehow always my responsibility to show the world how beautiful I am and how happy we are. If it was left to him, nobody would ever see the photos of my bridesmaids’ envious glances or the pictures of my wedding dress at every conceivable angle. And who doesn’t want to see a group shot of the whole wedding party from an outrageously high location?’
‘His profile picture is still a photo of him and his mates outside a bar in Hull with traffic cones on their heads. I get upset because he never refers to me or tags me in his posts, which are usually shared LAD Bible videos or detailed breakdowns of his latest gym routine. His only comment on the day itself, which I told him to delete, was ‘Beautiful day for the wedding. Some of the lads got really smashed and the bridesmaids didn’t disappoint’.’
Kate is currently planning how to announce her future pregnancy in a stylish and novel way. ‘The three-month scan photo thing has become a wee bit dated – even that mousy haired quiet girl in accounts has done one,’ she said. ‘So I’ve asked Damien Hirst to sculpt a synthetic 12-week foetus immersed in formaldehyde.’