Following on from falling foul of random testing, former World number one womens’ tennis player Maria Sharapova has shocked fans with a second revelation: her extensive involvement in drug trafficking as head of the notorious Mexican cartel Damaso.
‘I made another huge mistake,’ the Russian player said at a press conference. ‘Not only did I persist in taking meldonium after it was placed on the banned substances list, but I also continued to run a cocaine smuggling network worth over $100 billion.’
‘I would like to confess fully and can further reveal why some of my grunts surpass 100 decibels,’ Sharapova continued. ‘The reason is twofold. Primarily, it has been a way of communicating ground level orders to my deputy, Hector Garcia. Secondly, I still have the remnants of cocaine pellets trapped in my oesophagus from my early years as a drugs mule. The high-pitched yelps help to regulate excess acid from any sudden ruptures.’
Investigators are now scrutinising Grand Slam matches over the past ten years to understand the relationship between Sharapova’s orgasnic shrieking and Mexico’s drug war. They have now decoded a succession of screams in the 2014 US Open quarter-final that proved to have been the direct order to mercilessly execute ‘El Chapo’, lord of the rival Sinaloa cartel. Sharapova’s trademark has been to dump the organs of her victims on a tennis racquet near the doorstep of the relatives using her searing top spin forehand.
Shamil Tarpischev, president of the Russian Tennis Federation, described the announcement of a provisional ban as ‘nonsense’. He told Russian news agency TASS: ‘We think there is a laundry list of extremely mitigating circumstances: the unrivalled purity of Sharapova’s powder coming into the US and the fact that she has overseen the killing of three drug barons on the FBI’s most wanted list. Oh and let’s face it, you all still definitely would.’
Sharapova concluded her press conference remarking: ‘Despite being responsible for controlling 95% of the cocaine entering the United States, I still hope to compete in the Rio Olympics.’