Signalling a surprise change of direction for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has announced that the third testament of the Holy Bible will be recorded exclusively in emoji.
Expected to chronicle the return of Jesus Christ, the much-anticipated third book in the hugely successful God trilogy will be completed by the Papacy as soon as the world ends, sources reveal. The first book, known universally as The Old Testament, was written in Hebrew, while scholars generally agree that the later New Testament was recorded in a form of ancient Greek. Both texts were subsequently translated into Latin, and ultimately into dozens of languages across the planet. However, we now know that the as-yet untitled third and final book will go without letters entirely, using instead a series of small pictograms including smiley faces, horned devils, a picture of a top hat and a small monkey covering its eyes.
Speaking through a translator, the Argentine Pontif expounded on this startling new decision, saying ‘bumble bee, three leaf clover, lightening bolt, pile of poo, chicken head, winky face, winky face’. There is some debate among theologians over the Holy Father’s precise meaning.