‘Who is the prime minister anyway?’ said the leader of the mob. ‘I don’t give a monkey’s. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this – if the bastard came into our pub, he’d get his head kicked in.’
Mob leader John Cox was furious at being told that the prime minister had already been given a new I.D., after he was accused of war crimes. An entire back story was created for the new PM, so that he could avoid angry relatives of the dead. He is still Scottish, but instead of being an ex-public schoolboy who attended Fettes, Scotland’s Eton, the new PM is understood to be from humbler origins.
‘The old PM was rather posh, charming and very ruthless. The new character is a worrier, less image obsessed, and would be almost likeable,’ said a source, ‘if you didn’t know the damage the bastard has done.’
But the PM was inadvertently outed recently, during a seemingly routine whitewash exercise that went wrong. The PM was forced to leave the inquiry by the back door, as members of the public sensed that the PM might have had something to do with the horrific deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. He was rushed into a police van with a blanket over his head, as the mob spat and shouted ‘bastard!’, which the PM described as ‘a normal day in the job.’
However, yet another identity seems imminent, with one insider claiming the new PM’s incarnation will be as another ex-public school boy with a Scottish sounding name, a gift for sound-bites and not much history of a proper job. Makeover experts say this new identity, not a million miles away from the original PM who committed the war crimes, is at least do-able. ‘I know it might look we have gone back to square one’ confessed one insider, ‘but you have to understand we don’t have a great deal to work with.’
22 March 2010