David Cameron will make the case to Parliament for launching a bombing campaign on the Tory Party in an effort to end its Civil War and bring peace to the party.
Like Syria, he will say, the party has become dangerously destabilised due to infighting between rival factions. He wants to stem the flow of refugees fleeing the regime and voiced concerns that if the current situation were to continue UKIP could be inundated with Conservative refugees.
‘Groups are being radicalised by the Budget and the EU referendum,’ Mr Cameron will tell MPs. ‘It is imperative that we act and that we act now before the situation becomes even worse. Whilst I would not go as far as putting troops on the ground, we cannot afford to stand by and watch the Tory Party descend into complete chaos. A targeted bombing campaign will be as successful as it has been in Syria. OK, that isn’t saying much, I admit – but c’mon I’m getting desperate here.’