‘Diet lard’ released to combat obesity epidemic

selling by the tub-load

Lard companies have jumped on the socially responsible bandwagon by releasing ‘diet lard’, a new product for fat people who don’t really like salad but like lard.  Diet lard is being produced in half pound blocks, with claims that it has 50% less fat than the traditional one pound block of lard.

Lite Lard spokesman, Jock McLean, said diet lard can be the cornerstone of a well-rounded diet for well-rounded customers. ‘While diet lard may or may not help with weight loss, it will greatly help in improving fat people’s body image. When a customer is called ‘lard arse’, they can point to the label and say ‘no, diet lard arse’ as they return from the fridge with another block of lard.’

Life-long lard fan Clive Smith said he was initially sceptical about diet lard as he was worried that the distinctive pork fat aroma would be diluted. ‘But after eating 50 blocks of diet lard in three days, I can hardly taste the difference. Plus I have lost so much weight by going to the fridge twice as often that I could fit through the front door and leave the house if I wanted to, which I don’t as I prefer to stay in and eat lard. I love lard.’

Health officials caution that diet lard is no magic bullet. ‘We tested diet lard and there were no traces of magic bullets, or any bullets whatsoever. If people want bullets, magic or otherwise, they should go to a gun shop. Firing a gun loaded with diet lard is simply not recommended’ said Health Ministry spokesman David Kane.

Mr Kane said that people who were serious about losing weight needed to be sensible about it and use the two proven methods of taking up smoking and bulimia.

22nd March 2013

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