Apple has announced that its new iPhone 6IS will come with a 100% guarantee of data security following the owner’s demise. The promise is only valid for the first 12 months as standard but the owner may purchase additional ‘Apple-Be-Praised’ Lifetime Support which can extend this by up to five years.
CEO Tim Cook explained ‘Given our stance on protecting the rights to privacy of terrorists, we soon recognised that we had identified a niche market which was ripe for us to exploit. Purchasers are, of course, best at judging how long they plan to remain alive and so can choose from our wide selection of support offerings. The Touch ID function has been tweaked so that it will be disabled once the accelerometer detects forces greater than 5G, indicating the phone has most likely just left the owner’s possession – possibly through the owner’s chest.’
Tim Cook will travel to Raqqa to deliver the keynote at the launch event although advisors suggest that being white, American, Christian and gay he should probably not hang around too long.