David Cameron has set out his vision for the British steel industry, which involves cutting edge technology from the 8th century BC to the 1st century AD. Speaking from a rudimentary hill-fort north of Port Talbot, the Prime Minister reassured 5,000 steel workers that their jobs were safe – provided they were willing retrain ‘as druids’.
Crisis talks with loss-making ‘Tata Steel’ have suggested a range of solutions including the mass production of slashing swords, simple pottery and ‘Celtic thingamajigs’. A Government spokeswoman explained: ‘We have to accept that this experiment with steel has run its course and now we should go back to what we do best – the ritual slaughter of animals and painting our bottoms blue’.
Some Conservatives are said to favour a return to the Stone Age claiming that the last Iron Age was disrupted by EU interference, in the form of Julius Caesar invading in 50 BC. However, the UK no longer has the infrastructure or manufacturing industry to be able to construct another Stonehenge.
The spokeswoman claimed: ‘The Iron Age presents a great opportunity to diversify into sheep-farming and range of Welsh punch-lines built around the phrase ‘rearing sheep’. Business Secretary Sajid Javid has said that the steel workers will just have to adjust to an average life expectancy of 25, but it’s Port Talbot for God’s sake, they’ll be grateful’.
Hat tip to SimonJJames