Jesus Christ, leader of most of the world’s Christians, has discovered his true father is the LORD, the LORD God Almighty – not Joseph of Nazereth, the carpenter who brought him up – following a state-of-the-art paternity test. The ‘voice from the sky’ technique, in which 15 believers pray for a sign from heaven to show who’s the daddy of the child being plunged into the river Jordan, gave a 99.997% likelihood of divine parentage when the clouds parted to the cry of ‘this is my son, with whom I am well pleased’ as Jesus resurfaced.
‘It’s the first time we’ve got a positive result’ said a Nazarene biologist. ‘God, not Joseph, eh? So that’s why he was so shit at joinery. That wardrobe Jesus built me fell apart faster than the ones from the land of Ikaiah.’
Jesus took the test voluntarily after a journalist from the Daily Teliograph queried how a northern wood-scrapper could be so good at preaching. ‘Well, I asked around the town’ said Jehosophat Wheatcroft, ‘and nobody could explain how a mitre-joint lover came to inspire thousands when someone like me, with the best Greek education money could buy, should be barely remembered. Joseph can’t have been his father.’
‘It’s true’ said Jesus’ mother Mary. ‘Back then I was permanently drunk on the Holy Spirit, and spiritual leaders came and went. But there was one fling just before I got married with a man who seemed simply divine. What was his name? Gavin? Gaby Logan? I don’t quite remember. But he could certainly light up a stable, I can tell you!’
Jesus remains sanguine about his real dad. ‘Joseph brought me up as if I was his own son, and I still live by his maxims,’ he said. ‘Let your olive wood dry out properly, measure twice and cut once, and if you find yourself at the head of a multinational religious movement, well, chillax. God does weird stuff. She’s like that.’