Police are treating as suspicious, an attempt by a masked man – ‘wearing a comedy blonde wig’ and mayoral chains – to damage London’s flood defenses. This has exasperated rapidly rising sea levels and a failure to maintain the Thames Barrier, due to government cuts. In turn, this has led the City of London to be reclassified as ‘offshore’ for tax purposes.
A spokesperson for the City’s Chamber of Commerce said: ‘For most cities a disaster like this would be enormous but in London we pride ourselves on our abilities to show resilience and seek out opportunities in times of trouble. This week we will launch a scheduled boat service between Oxford Circus and the Bank of England to allow bank customers access to their tax-efficient savings products’. Meanwhile Boris Johnson, Mayor of the recently opened ‘Canvey Island Underwater Theme Park’, was unavailable for comment.