Human-like ancestor ‘pretty handy’ at golf, experts claim

also found with an early fondue set and the world's first recorded cuddly toy

The human-like fossils found this week in Saudia Arabia indicate that this very close relative was a pretty mean golf player and probably played off a handicap of eight, experts warned last night.

The skeletal remains were discovered in a sandy pit, with a pouch made from animal hides which contained a series of wooden ‘clubs’ of varying sizes. Analysis of shoulder joints showed wear and tear typical of that produced by a golf swing.

Scientists have dubbed the specimen ‘Brucie’ due to its penchant for golf and believe it shared many of the popular entertainer’s characteristics including his fondness for young attractive women and his tendency to stand sideways on one leg whilst curling his forearm – a gait which was designed to warn off predators.

Lead archaeologist, James Goodwin, is hugely excited by the recent find yet remains cautious: ‘Ideally, we would have liked to have confirmed our results by discovering a couple of these specimens, but it’s often the case that you get nothing for a pair, well – not in this game. ‘That said – it is nice to see this. To see this – nice ‘

‘Brucie is an extraordinarily well-preserved specimen considering his age and appeared on the scene relatively recently in geological terms’, said Goodwin. ‘I can illustrate the passage of time by using a sequence of ordinary playing cards stacked side by side in two rows. So back here we have the Cambrian period represented by the Two of Clubs. Then later, of course, the Jurassic – the Nine of Hearts and so on. Now at what point do you suppose human beings arrive? Queen of Spades maybe? Lower than the Queen of Spades you say? Oh bad luck. He actually turns up around about the King of Diamonds. What awful cards, take those away my love.’

give us a twirl..Last night, however, a senior palaeontologist accused Goodwin of making ludicrous comparisons and peppering his work with inane quotes from Bruce Forsythe in an effort to stave off academic boredom.

But Goodwin hit back angrily suggesting that samples taken from the humanoids ankle-joints reveal that he was an excellent tap-dancer and could keep a prime-time audience entertained well into his eighties, adding: ‘It can still be a good night if you play your cards right. Uhwuwuwuwuwuwuwuw. ‘

Gary Stanton

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2016 by

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