With an ever increasing torrent of Tory gaffs, the Leader of the Opposition is now contemplating dropping out of front-line politics in preference for a more challenging career. Privately Mr. Corbyn has likened beating David Cameron to shooting fish in a barrel, slapping kittens with a mallet or finding crooks in the Cabinet.
Mr. Corbyn has bitterly complained that what was meant to be an insurmountable task – becoming the first bearded Prime Minister in over a century – is now as inevitable as Mr. Cameron being caught with Nazi gold. All the natural barriers to a Corbyn win – that he is a dyed-in-the-wool Trotskyite, with a chequered sexual history and a ‘penchant for making jam’ – have paled into insignificance next to Mr. Cameron’s tax returns.
To rediscover his motivation Mr. Corbyn has offered to spend the rest of the Parliament blindfolded, with one hand tied behind his back and with Ken Livingstone ‘in charge of tact and reconciliation’. He has also said he would try to even things up by giving the Conservatives a ten goal head-start – which means adopting unfeasible policies like social justice, faster broadband and ‘better Saturday night TV’.
A Labour spokeswoman remarked: ‘Nobody expected the Conservatives to start debauching dead livestock, killing the disabled and selling kidneys for crack. Shockingly two out of three is already true and that’s only because the Lib Dems wimped out of supporting the third’.