Retailers, sensing the opportunity to make the easiest cash of their lives, have been driven into an auctioning frenzy, making increasingly outlandish offers to get their hands on what many have dubbed the ‘unicorn hair trapped in an exquisite prism of amber’ of the marketing world.
‘I still have 200 boxes of staff fleeces from when Woolworths went into liquidation,’ said lock up owner Harold Jenkins. ‘If I pull this off I can afford a Kardashian to tend the bar at my daughter’s sweet sixteenth. Then maybe she’ll communicate face to face with me again instead of via a stream of mean comments on WhatsApp.’
The British Government have shown particular interest in the list, stating that these ‘human cash machines’ could solve the country’s debt problems within six months.
‘We didn’t think anyone would actually buy it,’ said designer and surprise con artist Demna Gvasali. ‘We were high at the time, obviously. The idea that I went at art college, spent years getting my business off the ground, inching my way towards critical success and recognition and would risk all that by tossing off something as lazy and unimaginative as copying a couriers uniform, only tweaking the waist to fit a little better on the emaciated, chipolatas- in-a-vacuum-bag body of a male model; it’s clearly ludicrous, isn’t it?’
DHL chief Ken Allen expressed his delight with the success of the collaboration. ‘We are in. You hear that UPS – we are hacking the fashion industry, we are subverting the corporate zeitgeist with an ironic flick of the wrist. Now who’s bitter about a 4% increased market share in the Franco-Belgian region, huh? Now who’s bitter?’
Fashion bloggers, coming round after Paris fashion week with ugly yellow fabric in their cupboards and a missed payment on their car, defended their decision, repeatedly referencing granddaddy of punk Marcel Duchamp, as though waving a 100-year old French urinal about can magically transform any piece of tat into social commentary.