Just three days after her death, followers of Margaret Thatcher are claiming their leader has come back to life. Unconfirmed reports suggest she has appeared across Britain, still preaching the ‘good news’ of monetarism and a robust fiscal policy, and looking transfigured by the whole death experience.
‘She’s alive – rejoice!’ cried an ecstatic Jeremy Hunt. ‘We were in a locked cabinet room debating what to do now, and she just walked through the wall, whacked the PM in the face with her handbag, and told him to ‘stop being so bloody wet’. Amazing woman!’
Rumours of prime-ministerial resurrection began when her body went missing. ‘I opened the silver coffin to kiss her goodbye and she’d gone’ declared a tearful John Gummer. ‘I assumed Mark Thatcher had sold her to an American theme park, like he planned to, but he assures me he’s still talking to several interested parties and hasn’t settled the price yet. Is she really back? I can’t believe it’.
Other sightings of the cult leader include an appearance on the M1, in which she came alongside William Hague, wound her window down and told him ‘the lady’s not for turning in her grave’, and a report from the Port Stanley Conservative Association that she is ‘standing on our shoreline, inviting Argentinians to ‘come and have a go if they think they’re hard enough’’.
‘She told me she’s going to return to earth and rescue us from Europe,’ declared Hunt, ‘but you have to believe in her to see her. Nick Clegg missed the cabinet meeting that day and is refusing to believe us – the doubting bastard.’
Appearing before the faithful in Tonbridge, Lady Thatcher promised not to spark a leadership battle by attempting to resume earthly control of her movement post-death, choosing instead to ascend and orchestrate her followers from behind the celestial scenes.
‘What would Maggie do?’ said a member of the movement speaking anonymously. ‘Well, for a start she’d oust Cameron. We know who she preferred. ‘You are Michael,’ she said, ‘ and now they hate you as much as they hated me. Well done, my son.’
11th April 2013